Our World is in Peril

Today I'm going to ask for your help. I'm going to ask you to help not just me, but all gamers everywhere, and, indeed, the entire world. I need you to put aside your biases, stop grinding you axes, and open your eyes to a problem that has been plaguing mankind for almost a decade and a half. If you help me today, you will do a service to every last human being on the face of the Earth, and be a part of the solution rather than the problem. What's the problem, you might ask?

In 1994, Electronic Arts published the game "Shaq-Fu."

This game has been a plague on humanity ever since. Its mix of poor hit detection, shameless marketing, and sheer ridiculosity have boggled minds and ruined lives. To my great excitement, however, I found that there are people out there fighting back against the monstrosity.

The fine people at Shaqfu.com have dedicated their lives to LIBERATING each and every copy of Shaq-Fu left in the world so that we can all finally be at peace.

Reasons for LIBERATING:

1. You prevent other generations from feeling the corruption of this game and its evil.
2. You clear up the enormous copies of Shaq-Fu lying on the shelves in used console game stores. By doing so, you remove it from public display so that people will not be reminded of the game's existence.
3. Purchasing many copies of the game shifts the demand schedule, consequently raising the price. Even though it costs you more money, it reduces the incentive for a non-liberator to buy the game; a worthwhile sacrifice.
4. By getting it from another person, you remove the burden and embarrassment they feel.

They provide plans for LIBERATION, and even a few photodocumentaries of LIBERATION in action. This is truly a noble cause, and one that I support wholeheartedly. I will endeavor to LIBERATE as many copies of Shaq-Fu as I can find, and I will pass on the results to you, my valiant readers, who I am sure understand my committment to this war against merchandizing.

LIBERATE Shaq-Fu however you can. Fire, acid, a bigass hammer. Feed it to your neighbor's dog. You know, that fucking mutt that keeps you up all night with its yappy-ass barking? Fuck that little piece of shit. Copies only cost a couple of bucks, but the worth of the results is without measure. How does one measure happiness and peace in US dollars? How does one measure a world free of evil?

I submit that you cannot.